This morning I had some time to myself and the plan was to go for a sleep but I just couldn't settle. I googled some recipes for dinner, a lemon drizzle cake to make, filled my shopping basket at Lakeland.com and then read a blog post that had me in tears. Check it out here... http://www.sparklesandstretchmarks.com/2016/03/a-letter-to-new-big-brother.html
I was crying, like proper howling my tired little eyes out! It just speaks volumes to me.
As a mummy I feel guilty every day. Guilty for letting Innes have an extra half hour nap and then expecting him to go to bed at 7pm. Guilty for shouting at Charlie to get himself dressed in the morning at 8:30am so that we can drop him at school. Guilty for shouting at Harris for making a mess in the bathroom when all he was doing was washing his hands. And the list goes on... not having fruit for Friday snack at school, not having a specific jumper or pair of trackies washed and ironed, needing 5 mins away from the noise that the 3 of them make.
My biggest guilt however comes from the fact that we are going to have 4 children. Is that too many? I always thought lots of siblings would be good for them but now I don't know.
Charlie is 6 and we expect lots of him... get me a nappy, catch Innes before he escapes, run up the stairs and fetch everyone's jammies. Don't get me wrong he does get to do lots of lovely things because he is the oldest but still I can't help feeling guilty that I might be changing a dirty nappy, tending to a 3 year olds tantrum, getting cups of juice, cutting up fruit and I have to ask him to wait for his colouring pens (they are up high to stop the wee ones drawing on my walls) or not putting Harry Potter on the TV incase it scares the little ones.
Harris is 3 and he is a 'middle' child. I feel guilty that sometimes I deal with the demands of a 6 year old, doing his homework, helping him spell/draw and deal with the whirlwind that is Innes and Harris is left to watch the telly quietly because that causes less disruption.
Innes gets lots of time and attention at the moment because he is the smallest but his little world is going to be turned upside down any day now and he too will need to learn that mummy can't come straight away if she is feeding or changing a baby.
Please tell me I'm not the only one to feel like this?
I hope when they are older and need mummy and daddy a little less they will love having 3 siblings to play with, laugh with and love.
